Peer Boundaries: 3 Steps To Defending Peer Pressure (For Girls)

Girls Who Fight
7 days ago
4 min read

The Girls Who Fight Self Defense And Leadership Program

By Gemma Sheehan

Peer pressure means feeling pushed to do something you might not want to do — so you can fit in, be liked, or feel part of the group. Defending it is a critical skill because your peer group will influence you more than any other influence.

By age 12-14, friends influence children more than their parents (Foulkes et al. 2018). This is why it is imperative that girls and women have tools to stay true to their values and resist pressure.

The Girls Who Fight Self Defense & Leadership Program

Step 1: Choose Your Circle

“Peer pressure is bad only if you’re surrounded by bad influences.” — James Clear

Who we surround ourselves with greatly influences our energy, success, health, and happiness in life. Leaders don’t allow others to pull them down– instead, they consciously choose friends who make them better. The first step to defending peer pressure is to choose friends who don’t influence you in negative ways. Here’s how big an impact your friends have on you:

Harvard found that the strongest predictor of whether a student drank alcohol was whether their best friend did

If you sit near a high performer, your performance goes up by 15%. If you sit near a low performer, your performance goes down by 30% (Housman and minor, 2018)

70% of teen smokers say they started smoking because their friends were smoking

Application⚡️

Write down:

A) What kind of behavior you won’t tolerate from friends.

B) What kind of person you want to be known as

Step 2: Set Confident Boundaries

When what you want is different than what your friends want, you must set boundaries that protect your values. That means having the confidence to say no, even to your best friend, boyfriend, co-workers, or boss. Leaders don’t follow the crowd — they set the example.

They stick to their values, even when it’s unpopular or uncomfortable. If everyone else is going the wrong way, a leader has the courage to go the right way alone.

In moments you feel pressured, you need a script. Effective boundary scripts must work with even your closest friends. The Three-Step Boundary Formula helps you set boundaries that can gentle or assertive– whichever is needed.

Step 1: State the behavior
Step 2: State how it makes you feel
Step 3: State your desired outcome

Best Friend Example:

“Nicole, you’re my best friend....But when you keep asking me to drink it makes me feel like you don’t care about what I want. I’m asking you to stop.“

Pushy Guy Example:

“Listen, when you keep offering me a drink after I've said no it makes me feel disrespected. Please stop.“

Coworker Example:

“Hey Ben, when you text me outside of work hours it makes me feel like you don't respect my time. Please contact me during work hours.“

You can apply this formula to any context.

The Girls Who Fight Self Defense & Leadership Program

Boundary Setting Principles

Speak up the first time: The earlier you speak up, the easier it is to stop. Uncomfortable situations only get harder to address over time. Bad influences are like weeds—if you let them grow, they take over the garden.

Know Your non-negotiables: Pressure works best on people who haven’t decided where they stand. Deciding what you will not tolerate before experiencing it helps you stay strong under pressure.

Don’t Explain or Negotiate: when you explain yourself you just give them an opportunity to argue with you.

Application⚡️

Practice one “refusal script” you could use if someone pressures you to do something.

Step 3: Back Your Boundaries

Boundaries only have power if you’re willing to enforce them. “It’s not what you preach, it’s what you tolerate” - Jocko Willink

If people sense your words are empty, they won’t take them seriously. Sometimes, no matter how many times you say “no,” they keep pushing. When that happens you must back your words up with action. For example: ending a phone call, leaving a party, blocking someone online, quitting a job, or walking away from a relationship.

Sometimes the best thing you can do is end a bad friendship. No one is owed your presence, friendship, or time. You give it because you choose to—only to people who respect you. This doesn’t make you mean, weak or a bad friend—it means you respect yourself.

“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.” — Brené Brown

Application⚡️

What’s one way you could set the tone for healthy, smart choices in your relationships?

Leadership Message: Courage is contagious!

Leaders don’t just resist peer pressure—they reverse it.

They don’t follow the trend, they set the trend. When you speak up, say no with confidence, make good choices, and stand firm in your values, you give others courage to do the same. If you model self-respect and integrity, you will inspire others to rise to that standard to. Be the example!