Key Women's Self Defense Lessons From 'The Gift of Fear' by Gavin de Becker, Chapter 6: “Promises to Kill”
- Girls Who Fight
- 6 days ago
- 3 min read
The Girls Who Fight Women's Self Defense Program
By Gemma Sheehan
Key Lessons from the best-selling book "The Gift of Fear" By Gavin De Becker
Students from our first 6-Week Beginner Course pose with "The Gift of Fear" Book
1. A Threat Is Not the Same as Violence
A threat is a statement of intent to harm—but it does not guarantee action. Many people who make threats are simply trying to control or scare you.
"Threats betray the speaker by proving that he has failed to influence events in any other way. Most often they represent desperation, not intention.” Gavin De Becker
Not one successful public figure attacker in the history of the media age directly threatened his victim first.
2. Context Determines Credibility
Context is much more important to predictions than content. For example, you can avoid being killed by a coconut tree by not sitting under one. Similarly,
“we need not walk defiantly through the territory of a violent gang, or wear our Rolex on a trip to Rio, or stay in a violent relationship”
Context can be a useful predictor of hazard, and a reliable guarantor of safety.
3. Threat vs. Intimidation
A threat is a statement of intention to harm: “I’m going to hurt you.” Intimidation is a statement of conditions to be met in order to avert harm: “If you don’t do this, I’ll hurt you.”
With intimidations, the motive is in the statement. He wants his conditions met, not to inflict the harm. With threats, no conditions are offered because the speaker sees few alternatives.
4. Fear Is the Weapon—Don’t Hand It Over
Threats are rarely spoken from a position of power.
“Whatever power they have is derived from the fear instilled in the victim”.
How you respond to the threat determines it’s power. If you panic, beg or comply, the threat is gold. If you remain unaffected, it’s worthless. Never show the threatener a high appraisal of his words. Never show fear.
5. Anonymous Threats
Since the motive for nearly all anonymous threats is to influence conduct, ask yourself who would be served if you took the action they want? This often leads to the threatener.
People who threaten anonymously are less likely to pursue an encounter than those who sign their names.
"Like the assassin who stands at the crime and says “I did this”, the threatener who provides his name is not trying to avoid attention."
6. Don’t Negotiate With Extortion
Extortion is when someone threatens to disclose information unless compensated. The way you react sets the price tag.
"If you convince the extortionist that the harm he threatens doesn’t worry you, you improve your negotiating position or neutralize the threat."
Extortionists motivated by malice are more likely to follow through than those motivated by greed. They’re also so hard to negotiate with that it’s not worth trying. Gavin suggests forcing the extortionist to explicitly state the threat so you can get more info: either it’s vague and weak, explicit yet informative, or he abandons it altogether. Gavin rarely advises paying the extortionists because it paves the way to hear the threat again.
How To Apply This Lesson To Your Life
When faced with a threat, stay calm and don’t react emotionally. Ask yourself whether the person is trying to control you or actually preparing for violence. Ask, am I in immediate danger? Do not reward threats with fear. Sometimes the best response is none at all. In all cases, you get to decide how powerful the threat truly is.
Bottom Line...
Control your response—and you stay in control of the situation.
How empowering!
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Written by Gemma Sheehan, founder of
Girls Who Fight. Our mission is to help women and girls lead safe and confident lives.
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